Hey guys, I’m back again.

I have another rant I’m preparing, but yeah I’m not feeling like finishing it just yet. Today I just feel very unhappy.

I figured as we got older, we stopped making emotional posts anymore, and even started withholding it from conversations with friends. I could be wrong, but I’ve noticed how much better people have become with coping with their feelings and “low” times, and it’s great. I’m glad. After a shit tonne of things I went through myself, I could say the same about me. We’re at a stage where even though we’re still young, we are starting to become so busy with our lives that wit hour realising it, we stopped thinking. All those little things that used to significantly bother us, the stuff we lack, the qualities, the meaning of friendship, of love and of life – we stopped thinking because we stopped having that much time in our hands. I mean, I know someone who used to whine about being single and is now a lot better. Our induglement in our present lives has allowed us to focus on what’s more important. And that’s a good thing.

However, overtime that’s left me with bottling up a little too much. To the point I’ve been having the same thoughts in my head run in circles, over, and over, every day, and never reaching a conclusion. Remember how I once blogged about how I would walk home talking to myself? Yeah that’s been happening a lot recently, in public. Whenever I have a problem I always try to solve it by myself, even when it doesn’t work out. I stay up with it, go to work with it, and sometimes when I’m trying to focus on the people around me at a gathering, I’m still caught inside the thoughts like a ring looped around me. The other month, I had something I desperately wanted to say to someone. And I thought about it for weeks, before one day I finally did. And just like that, it stopped crossing my mind. Which is why I’m here today, again, typing away frantically because it’s 5am and honestly, I really want to sleep. I just can’t because I’m thinking too much.

(Also had a bit to drink today).

It’s been 2 years. Almost. And one of the main things I’ve learnt is that only you can change your life. I used to drag people into things to get their opinions, advice, hoping they can give me some kind of reassurance. At the end of the day, even if I’m still where I was, they’re the ones who get sick.

I’m getting better though. One of these days, I’ll break, but I know it’ll get better again. I’ve been afraid for too long, but you know, I have a future that I don’t wish to be tarnished by the bad decisions I made while I was young. I want to be able to look back and think “that was well worth it”.

Oh thank god, the sleepiness is finally catching on

Late night rant

I haven’t ranted about anything in a long time, but I feel like tonight, if I don’t get this out, I’m gonna get absolutely no sleep.

In the last year or two, I’ve been bottling so much anger and frustration, and not just because of the trainwreck I got caught in. No, that’s just a small part of it. What absolutely gets on my nerves unlike any physical or emotional pain anyone may cause me, is a traumatc case of communication error, mostly due to a fucking huge amount of illogicality. (Is that even a noun?)

What am I referring to exactly? Well to put it down to one word: Hypocisy.

What does it mean?

Heres some definitions:

  1. of claiming to have higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case
  2. the behaviour of people who do things they tell others not to do

I have only delt with this non-sensical, brain-damaging element of behaviour and speech in previous cases where subject was (or is) deemed psychologically ill. Perhaps that’s what I’m headed to concluding soon once more.

I’m not a highly intelligent person, but I do enjoy an educated conversation with one of my many wise friends. I am also a highly emotional person, so I am open minded to uncontrolled emotional outbursts and illogical behaviour as a result. I am happy to open arms to either a smart, dorky person or a completely damaged person, but I cannot at all, tolerate hypocrisy.

I don’t know how many people have tried arguing, or making sense with a person who is incredibly hypocritical. You would understand that it’s a nightmare. Hypocisy  is the reason that arguments end up in never ending, nasty loops which are used to cover up the hypocrite’s otherwise selfish, immature and ignorant persona. They’re too proud to admit they’re wrong, so instead they begin to twist logic itself until it bends enough in their favour. But what they’ve actually done is created a deadend to a potential solution, and given my brain a giant fucking headache.

Example:

X: I’m a nice/kind person.

Y: *Does something to really piss X off

X: What a fucking lowlife. Seriously the fuck is wrong with him?

X: *Pisses Y off back and leaves situation

X: That asshole. I didn’t even punch his brains out. Why am I so nice??? Goddamn.

Mindfuck even thinking about it.

I have so much more I want to rant about, but that will be all for tonight.

The cycle continues

You will always be toxic. 

There are days that go so well that sometimes I forget it. The reality merges into the highs and gets lost in the distance somewhere far off until I find it again.

I will not let myself forget it. Ever. 

Toxic people don’t change, even with all the days that go as smooth as fresh leather, they’re pretty much “the wolf in lamb skin”. 

And I’m just the naive person waiting to be pounced on any time. 

Some FYI to myself 

1. “You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.”

8. “Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get him to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for him for having so many issues, issues that prevented him from committing to a great woman he had right in front of him.”

31. “Bad relationships are the ones filled with drama. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. When I say ‘bad relationship,’ I mean everything from a toxic, codependent situation to a relationship with a man who won’t commit in a significant way, to a match that is simply incompatible.”

Recent life

It seems as though time only stretches the distance that’s already there, and so quickly that I feel like sometimes my mind is still caught in the past, while in reality the world has long moved forward without me. The very reality that we all feared arrived in such subtle steps no one even noticed it coming – like a swift cut on your skin that you don’t actually feel the pain of until you realise the fact it’s there, and by then there’s no way to unfeel it. 

But I suppose, as difficult it is to admit, everyone appears happy where they are, and the fear we once shared perhaps wasn’t so bad as we thought. Out of all the things that united us, that was one of them. And disappointingly, none of it seems to matter anymore. I mean not always, but there’s just these times I get sad thinking about how quickly it just all changed? It’s just growing up right… 

That’s some of what’s been going through my head recently, and now on with my physical side of life. I have finally reached the last few weeks of this (fucking) semester, one which has been another nightmare. On one hand, I had an assignment for vivid which, at first, would have been absolutely exciting right, and it was – until I was grouped with two new people who turned out both less clueless than I am. I’m not sure how many of you can understand the sort of dread I felt when I realised I was the only one who had any ideas, and without being fit to lead, direct and carry the project. We ended up being called to the speak to the head teacher in just our third or was it fourth week of uni? And by the end of it I have pulled more late nights at uni than the last two years combined, all the while the tutors weren’t pleased, and it was the first time I hated my own group mates with a horrible passion. They can be bad at animation I don’t care, but the many times I was left on my own to finish what they can’t and initiate things made my guts cry. You could’ve at least been moral support! There was literally once I highfived the girl after our presentation because I needed a highfive for all the work I did. 

And now after many weeks of assignment trauma… our work is finally up and playing beautifully and painfully on Vivid. Yay! Anyone passing UTS at night should go and have a peek behind the Central Park building, may not look like much but it was a lot of sweat and work yo.
While that was happening, this semester I’ve also been working two different jobs. One at Longines, where I also had a few drama here and there with the manager, and the other one at my dad’s press. I’m officially an English editor of fashion magazine “Vision”! It’s a Chinese-English magazine my dad initiated this year composed of all the high end fashion trends and art/lifestyle in Australia and it’s been quite a success despite the small company. Which I’m happy for! I was literally the editor of all the English articles and I’m quite excited to see everything in print soon!!! 

As for the rest of my life, well it’s never so much as left the bottom of the drain. I’m constantly looking for that sheer of hope that never comes, and I sort of just accepted that the emotional end of my life is going to suck for a while now. I ask myself why I bothered, besides the whole emotional attachment thing, I think it was mostly because a tiny part of me thought I could prove everyone wrong. That I could prove myself wrong. But now I realise that was just me being illusional as always. 

I’m improving, I swear. 

I hate how dreams use past people/events of your lifetime, screw them around a bit so they all fit into the present timeframe and make you sort of miss them when you wake up. It’s like as if the missing becomes a surreal part of your reality now instead of being sure this is how I feel.