I don’t remind people “I love you” enough even though I spend a lot of time thinking about how much I appreciate them and their presence in my life whether from the past or at present. Like the way people typically say “I may not always show it but I care.” And neither do I claim to people “I hate (dislike) you” even though I spend a lot of time mentally cussing and abusing their existence in a way that could only be legally done in my head. But don’t we all have those friend(s) we appear to like more than we actually do out of sheer politeness and not being a bitch? Rarely will you be placed in a circumstance where you’d be totally honest with how you feel about someone without it being totally weird, unless of course, if it’s a love/hate confession… (graduation day COUGH). And thus no one really knows whether I truly like or dislike them. But what this had led me to wonder is that in the same way, this can be the case for other people towards one another as well. This lack of emotional communication potentially leads to all sorts of assumptions which is often more negative than positive. You could tell yourself “but they have no reason to hate you” but that’s just optimistic thinking is it not? Because what if they have no reason to like you either. Maybe you are the only one who thinks you guys are cool. Or close. Or anything. Like, if other people can fall into this delusion then what makes it any different for me? Without communication, we’d take second guesses at everything, and that is why I try to be nice to everyone to prevent that.
I once told someone “I am my own psychologist”. I believe there isn’t much a psychologist can tell me that I wouldn’t already know, and I’ve felt more than capable to ever require useless mind games and healing techniques of a stranger. Not that I need one still. But today, when a friend used their psychology knowledge to tell me things about me through observation and mental analysis, it really peeked my curiosity. Rather than discomforting, it actually felt sort of relieving. I can’t pin down why exactly, but now I’m reconsidering my disinterest. Even if most things are obvious, it might just be enlightening to engage in conversation with a psychologist, or someone studying psychology.
I don’t usually, or ever, claim to be above anybody. But – yes and there is always a ‘but’ – when has any level of humility stopped an imperfect person judge another imperfect person? Based on everything we know we are and are not, we’re always subconsciously comparing ourselves and our ideals and feeling either superior or inferior. Now as for me, I realised if there is anyone I would judge whom I genuinely feel better than, it would be narrow-minded people. Limited space of thought, inability to see perspective other than their own, and ignorance to new ideas; everything an open-mind cannot deal with. I cannot deal with. Frankly, they are blind. Perhaps confident and strong in their own beliefs, but that’s still at the compensation of their own blindness. It also makes things even worse for me, because they will live believing they are right when really, the lights to reality are just turned off for them.
With the exception of manga, and books studied in senior English where I cried in their comprehension, I have hardly shed a tear for any novel since the finale of Harry Potter in 2006, a moment where we all faced countless deaths of beloved characters. And this will always be the most tragic part of following a longer series, you never know which book will hold the grave of a character you’ve grown to love and love and suddenly, 2, 3, 4 or 5 books in, they’re dead; sentenced to death by the stone heart of the author.
Like J.K Rowling.
Like Cassandra Clare in “The Mortal Instruments.”
It’s not like reading The Fault in your Stars of a short-lived romance built on chemistry and struggle and metaphors for about 300 pages. I’m talking about 5 books in, more than quad-triple that amount of pages, knowing everything you could possible need to know about the characters’ past, present and possible future and all the emotional roller coasters which you’ve rode with them and they die. Well, not quite, but something similar to dying. Like Dumbledore, he wasn’t a main character but you wouldn’t pass him as a mere “supporting” character either and if he doesn’t live to the end of the series, then that’s an inevitable readers heart break. And very much, my heart did break and I’m sulking right now. The main characters girl and guy could die or vanish and I’d rejoice in their sorrow because I can give a thousand reasons for it, but WHY HIM? I’m just disappointed, Cassandra Clare.
I also love when authors do this thing where a potentially bad character gets an absolutely touching background story prior to their death, like the way Snape had been misunderstood for a good 70% of the story and it’s just like No – what — NO! I think it’s what authors secretly enjoy doing; make us emotional and upset yet in reverse psychology, we only love the series more and that’s probably the whole idea. If we were to demand why certain characters died, that would be the answer. Is that not what you want? Yes, yes, we will love the novel 4ever, and hate you 5eva.
So apart from me feeling lost and shattered today, and exhausted from over 5 hours at uni, if you’re up for a fantasy/romance genre with all the fantasy parts highly believable and insightful and well written, and romance parts steamy and hot and sometimes utterly annoying, then I’d recommend THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS series very much. I’m happy to lend my copies to you too, and you’d see how grey and worn the edges have become from taking them around with me all the time… it’s just great.