There comes a time where I can either choose to breakthrough the awkwardness in a situation by exaggerating my enthusiasm and hopefully ease into a more natural act with the subject, OR I could choose to flow with that awkwardness through our lasting silence and completely disregard and disengage with subject at all – and find ways to escape. Today, it has only been the latter. That is how uncomfortable I am to be around you now. Our awkwardness is unbreakable, or rather, I have no intention to break it for the time being. It’s the most inconvenient thing in the world to directly avoid someone, yet if it were between inconvenience and you, I will inconvenience myself anyday…
I woke up at 8:30 when I had a 9am class, and just missed two trains both which I ran for… Day is not looking good. Don’t you hate when for some reason you sleep right through your alarms?!
Just want to foreword that there is NO manikin fetish about to be declared here, thank you very much. Rather, since last Christmas period, I started noticing that every time I were in a shopping mall, I am really drawn to Men’s attire – specifically; tight fitting suits and coats displayed on Manikins of perfect height and size. So it’s not just daymmmm that outfit, but also daymmmm that manikin in the suit. No.. wait, the suit on the manikin.. THE SUIT AND THE MANIKIN.
Obviously I still shop girl attire, and buy only girly clothes for myself. But whenever I pass Tarocash, Industrie etc, or end up in the men’s section of Myers, I just have this weird, strong urge to stand and stare at the more classy styles of clothing; wrap my arms around the few best dressed manikins, and the desire to also buy something, yet with no one to buy it for. Is that weird? IS IT? What kind of phase am I going through? AND WHY?
I hope I didn’t creep anybody out. Really.. I’m normal.
Occasionally I find myself sitting within a group of friends, hanging together time and time again, yet always feeling like I’m an odd one out. As if, no matter how I try, and do my part in the contribution of friendship and gossip, I’m always just on the outskirts of the group. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, maybe I’m just not a people’s person and hard to connect with on a more personal level. Maybe it’s trust issues. Maybe I’m just on a totally different wavelength to these guys. You can tell, when everyone’s a part of something and you’re not, even though you appear to be all a crew. I want to find out the reason why, and somehow fill this gap.
On the other hand, something I must agree with Kim. As much as I try and make new friends, I cannot seem to put the same amount of effort and time into it as I once did. Especially now, bonding time doesn’t just happen anymore, it’s something we have to make happen.
I am so beat! Physical exhaustion has been quite a close friend ever since I started working at the beginning of this holiday, but thinking back I’ve come such a long way. Getting screamed at by the Grim Reaper of a manager was a giant blow on my esteem and emotional stability that I was so head strong about quitting the shitty place and never having to face her ever again. But having swallowed my anger and persevered, I’ve now earned my acknowledgement within the crew and made some lovely co worker friends. My what I’ll just call “co manager” is also THE most easy going and nice person ever. Whether I break a cake or forget to do one of my tasks, he’d always say “沒關係” “Don’t worry” with his heart winning smile and fix it up for me. I love people who know how to keep calm and realise there’s never a need to take your anger out on someone, something my fucking manager needs to learn. I’m not entirely sure if I will keep the job throughout the coming year, will let time and circumstances decide for that. I’m just not keen on mingling with a bunch of new internationals at the city branch. If I meet more people who yell at me, I will literally cry and run away, won’t take that shit a second time and it’s really not how I want to leave a job.
Work aside, social life. I can confidently say I balanced work life and social life very evenly this time. Met a lot of people whether from High School, Uni or neither, and had plenty of dinners and catch ups. I will admit though, some were great, others disastrous. If anything this holiday has made me anti-fond of my uni pals, and let’s just say, thank goodness for international studies as it is a good opportunity to get away from them this semester. Explanation for this will have to come in person. On the other hand, I’ve felt our High School group, while separated here and there during last semester, has somehow knitted back together this holiday and that’s one of the things I’m super glad about. Meet ups and events, and of course, from Gold Coast.
Speaking of which… GOLD COAST! I long to return to our high up beach view apartment and huddle together around the television watching Anime. Or sit on the balcony past midnight with all the things we still could’ve talked about. If only there was more time! The only thing that ruined it a bit for me was, yeah. I probably ruined it for you too, but you know, it should never be someone else’s responsibility whether you have fun or not. At least on the bright side, I was in a way forced in a position to sort of “talk things out” which probably wouldn’t not have otherwise happened. Can’t wait till the next getaway with you guyssssss.
I think that sums the main points of this holiday for me. I was in no way productive for uni work and relevant skills, nor did I find any new hobbies or finish many books. But it was a good and eventful holiday nonetheless. Wishing everyone the best for the coming semester, I know I am anxious as heck. Two days left!
I’d really do with some advice on how to say no. Like, someone seriously needs to stop me from saying YES/OK/SURE/UMYEAH I’M OK TO DO THIS (wait… I AM??) because I feel like jumping into the oceans with how much I’m putting on myself. Whether it’s for my not so close pals nagging about “catching up” (oh it’s already been two weeks/months??) during busy times too, or volunteer work (which by this I mean as in simply helping out a friend or professional with whatever skill or time I can provide) or my manager asking me to come in this or that day for cake slavery… I’M ALWAYS SAYING YES. WHY DO I SAY YES. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE LIKE “Nah mate sorry I got better things to do”. Lol. Instead, the best I can pull off is “yeah yeah gimme a week.” Next week: “shit.”
It’s sorta a small deal and usually it’s not so bad, but this week I managed to clash about 4 things which I had to go back and apologise for, and still have a graphics project I promised for some unknown but definitely stupid reason, and got asked to help out something tomorrow night and like, wow. My aunts here so I have to put time aside to not let her feel too lonely and bored either (who comes to Aus to be left home alone?) I’ve been under so much stress and have ignored so many people as a result without meaning to and I just feel TERRIBLE. I’m also on sleep deprivation so brains in shits too which is well, great.
Even today I got a text from Centrelink telling me to check my online letter – well how about you and your motherflippin letter can burn in hell and leave me alone??? You get the point. Sometimes I wonder if I turned off my phone how much of a freer, non obligational life I’d live. It’d be lonely, but still liberated. As Murakami once said “Phones are so convenient that they’re an inconvenience.” I need another Sydney escape. Or should I say, reality escape. I used to think having a busier life would make me feel productive, right now I just feel suffocated. This is exactly why I don’t have time for your shit especially.
It’s so easy to dislike someone, and to my own shocking realisation, it is also so so easy to be mean. Even if someone is one of the most annoying people to exist in your life, they are not always annoying with unkindness, or any bad intention for that matter. In fact, a lot of people who’ve had to take sharp end of my person, have only ever meant well but come off as annoying or too much simply because they don’t know any better. And it’s not their fault they can’t be what I prefer. So why be mean? After a dinner with my dad, mum, sister and aunt who recently came to visit from China, my sister pointed out that I should be nicer. And, holy shit, that one comment has made me guilt trip the rest of the night over every bad thing I’ve done. Nicer. Nicer… Apparently it’s that obvious that I don’t love my aunt very much, and that I’m just simply intolerant towards my mum. (B-but the stuff my aunt does… And the stuff my mum SAYS!) I’m so easily irritated now that it kinda scares me, like I wonder how many times I’ve hurt people with my own lack of patience and kindness. On the other hand, this is something my sister is better at… You will probably NEVER know if she doesn’t like you.