The hardest decision in life is between what you know and what you feel. And most of the times… what you feel wins.
I feel like I just woke up from an amazing dream but I never even slept.
I just want to know what it is I want. When I act a certain way, or say something that’s weird or unexpected, what is it for? Why did I do it? Even I can’t explain myself sometimes. All I know is, there’s usually always a cause, but most of the times my actions and words slip when and where they aren’t meant to. So I can explain – but then I also can’t?
Has anyone ever been in a crappy mood then someone comes by to do something to make it worse, and you blow off on them? What about having a 150 degree attitude change towards someone because of little things they did that might’ve upset you (but wasn’t intended)? 150 because you would’ve tried to hold back, but in the case that failed…
There’s the people who notice the things you do and say but keep silent about it (like me) and don’t ask and just second guess. And then there’s those people who are comfortable to point it all out to you and that’s when you realise “Oh oops… That wasn’t supposed to be so obvious.” I would say I prefer people of the latter, but I’m a lot more used to the first that when people are direct with me I actually don’t know how to react or explain.
I think the biggest problem is never knowing what I want. If I told the truth, and for instance the truth might be “I am jealous of the way you give more attention to everyone than me”, and at the same time it’s not like I want you to give me all your attention, do I still say it? Well to be honest, my current dilemma in this case is actually… “”I really like you‘ but I’m not sure to what extent to do something about it? But I definitely like you… More than a friend.” So what do I do? What do I want? No clue.
No one likes an indecisive, confusing person in a confession, so I know it is best I stay silent. Yet I’ve been less silent through my behaviour recently that… It is getting harder to come back out of the holes I dig myself.
PARTY PARTY PARTY
So after the last post which was Thursday, I pretty much headed all the way back to city in time to make it to my last class, then meet my friends for our midsems party. YEAH. Plan was eat, predrinks, clubbing, then continue drinks until we wanna sleeeeeep.
We met up about 8:30 (since the poor girls didn’t finish their assignment until 6:30), bought drinks and went to dinner. Had this fancy KBBQ near world square. It was nice, but I think I still prefer 678 when it comes to kbbqs in the city…
After that we headed back to Agnes’ apartment for predrinking games. I can’t remember exactly how many Soju shots I had since I mixed sprite into mine but it was enough for me to lose it in laughter. Like, I was still me, but with less control over myself and more retarded/happy? So is that how it feels when people drink a lot in a short time LOL. Well anyway for some reason my friends all thought I was gone and replaced my drinks with water and tea and kept discussing whether we should still go clubbing.
“They’re not gonna let her in”
Was confusing because I thought I was fine (seriously, I was) but they insisted on changing it to another day… Sad. We were gonna go cos I said I never been, then it gets cancelled cos of me too. Lol 😦 A few more drinks later went Dynasty karaoke instead… I remember my friend telling me to try and look normal for the security guards pffttt haha.
Sung for about 3 hours until 3AM, then headed back to the apartment. First time I have stayed at a Karaoke bar that late… This is another reason I’m eager to move to the city! The late night partiesss. Everyone was pretty much dead I think, but we persisted on since we had a lot of drinks left… Alize, cruisers, Tequila and Vodka. The Alize shots had almost no effect on me afterwards and as the night went on, I only got more irritable and tired. We legit played the same drinking game until 6:30AM and the sun came up that we finally all agreed we had enough.
I think I woke up at 10, then at 2 and both times everyone was still fast asleep. I couldn’t fall back to sleep so after cleaning up a bit I left the kids to their slumber. Ended up visiting another friend who was still at uni working (also bumped into Tracy and Lynda toooo). Then that was it, went home to have dinner with my Aunt and just slept and slept.
Saturday I woke up and cleaned the house since I got people coming over on Sunday. Second time I vacuumed this year probably LMAO. Then went to Burwood to meet Robert and Michael for FURIOUS 7. Hella yeah. I find it so rare and precious when you watch a movie where you’re already attached to all the characters/cast, the directing and soundtrack are all on point, and you’re put on the edge of your seat the whole time. Vin diesel is love. RIP Paul. Fast and Furious will forever be one of the best movie series ever.
Finished the night with Korean dinner at Strathfield, yummy fried chickens… Then home time. Daddy was elsewhere so had to wait at Rego for him. But overall evening was fun and had a good catch up. Hopefully get to catch up with everyone else again. Feels like I hardly see Whatsapp group anymore or hear of what everyone’s been up to 😦 thinking whether to hold a house party since house is pretty much empty for the next month. Hehe I will see…
Can a female and male really be just good friends? I’ve been thinking about this for a long time – years back even, but only found that in too many cases, the answer is no. When has a close male-female friendship not ended up with someone falling in love? Or at least developing feelings over the line? Chances of it not happening on either ends is just so thin.
So many people tell me my behaviour causes misunderstandings, especially with guys. But I will kid you not, I have trouble restraining myself sometimes. The thought that I shouldn’t do this and that, I shouldn’t say that and this, I should keep my distance simply because they might take it the wrong way and “like” me, or think I “like them” is actually a burden. I interact people the way I do because it’s me, and the most comfortable way I find in talking to them. Think of me like a dog, when I come across humans I like I will get excited and want to lick your face all over (Shh you get what I mean). Why do I need to restrain myself because the fact we are different gender draws an invisible line in our interaction? Because that person may develop feelings or possess ulterior motives? Why must all of it exist anyway?
For instance, today I knew my friends worked overnight so I immediately asked them if they wanted breakfast or anything before I got to uni. Its a completely natural thing right? But I also had a guy friend who worked overnight too who looked pretty out of it when I saw him. In my head I kept wondering if he wanted any food too which I’d be happy to deliver, but didn’t because “he might take it the wrong way.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot of times where I “like” a male friend, as a person and friend, but I often find I can’t show I care the way I want to because I tend to, on a social aspect(?), go a little far.
Then there’s that, the social influence. The “are you guys dating” comments because you hang with someone of a different gender alone too often. I actually think most of my ability to restrain myself comes from the fear of what my friends and people around me will think, rather than that person. But obviously it both applies. I dunno. In the meantime, back to city I go. Managed to break into my house to fetch my ID. My whole body hurts..
“I feel so moody and out of it”
“Why? Are you on your period?”
W-what?! Has it become a normal thing for men to automatically assume that when a lady isn’t feeling her best, she must be on her period? Coz GEE does that prickle my nerves. I don’t need any “time of the month” crap to feel emotional and hate everyone, pfttttt
Jokes, but really. It’s been days but I can’t seem to shake this feeling off. I’ve been so sensitive to everything and the bad attitude and hints I have been dropping might be making things worse (…maybe I really am PMSing). Its confusing, when I suppress everything I feel like I should say or do something, but when I don’t suppress it, I feel like I am causing drama – what do?
Yesterday my sensitivity was so crazy I couldn’t stand being around my “friends” and ended up distracting myself by getting a certain someone to hang with me. This was around 6, went shopping with them and then hung at their place, which was where I took the balcony photo and totoro selfie LOL. It was realllly chill, hung there for almost 2 hours just staring out to the city, listening to music and talking. When I got back to uni I felt a lot more light hearted and better.
Today uni was slightly more lonely. So instead I took myself window shopping. Just me, myself and I. Wasn’t long before my legs failed me and I had to find somewhere to rest… Ended up at the UTS library bean bag area. My god, had such a good nap on those bags. Helped me wake up feeling more refreshed as well, I will definitely be having my lone time there a lot more from now. Much better than loitering too. Sleep solves all. Then when I got home I joined the infamous boys group for a chill dinner at J’s followed by dessert at What the fudge. That car reverse though… SMH for life.
Honestly everything would be pretty good so far if only I weren’t feeling so emotional. Emotions ruin everything 😦
Hopefully it’ll all be sorted by the end of this week… I still have much to look forward to, which I shall blog as they come! After all, my turn for mid sem break coming up. Will give me time to get back into topic blogging too.