If there’s anything that’s bothering me these days, besides maybe the infrequent fusses Agnes and I make over something we said or did, it would be this slight lack of belonging I’ve been feeling.
I’m barely at uni any more, meaning I lost my main social platform to connect with people on. I don’t even think half of the animation people even know I’m actually still doing the course. It used to be okay because I had Japan to motivate me, but now that I’m no longer 100% certain I will be continuing international studies, I’m having regrets leaving.
The place I’m at most now is probably work, but even then I’m not working as often as the others to improve any acquaintances. It’s obvious how close my manager and the two other girls are, and even when the stuff they talk about is work-related I can hardly catch on. I know it’s because they’re all full time and so work is most of their life, but it always makes me feel like an outsider. And the girl who came back from her holiday is apparently unofficial second-in-charge who is bossy as fuck. And took away my pretty co worker away from me. Mondays used to be her and me working and she’d spend the day bitching about our manager and telling me juicy information about his personal life that I’m not sure why she knows, but I still enjoy it.
Then finally, there’s one thing that’s on my mind most often. As much as I interact with international students, I can never really merge with them on any level. Half the time I’m only there because of Agnes. I mean, yeah they’re all nice people and I love the outgoing, potential-party-animal personality in everyone, but I just can’t seem to connect with their conversations and games. If I could I’d rather converse in English, I’d probably have more to say. Agnes always tells me how different I sound when I speak English and she’d be like “stop you sound like a bitch.” Lol. Only because I usually talk a lot slower and softer in Chinese because I’m less confident, and in English I can easily be like blahadkgsjdfsdfhdsjfshdfhsdhfjsd.
I guess this is what happens when things unexpectedly change in your life. It affects everything else, and next thing you know all that’s left is this displacement where it’s just you in this giant unfamiliar world. I’m still trying to adapt and find my place again. There’s so much I want to figure out, plan, do by the end of the year. If I want to move out, I need to make sure my income is stable and be able to find a good, cheap place to live. I need my parents to be 100% okay with that. I need to decide how I’m going to complete the rest of my degree and whether I’ll stay part-time to make sure I work enough hours (and whether or not that’s a good idea). I need to find design related pathways on top of all that so that if I do, I don’t fall too behind.
My life sounds so messy right? So yeah, there’s a little update about me. I look forward to catching up with everyone (whenever that may be).