Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m living half a life. There are so many possibilities, opportunities and chances out there waiting yet I choose to ignore them and carry on doing nothing that comes close to being beneficial in the long run. I’ve always wanted to just lead a happy, peaceful life. I didn’t care if I don’t achieve greatness or if I don’t make a difference in this world like everyone else so eagerly wishes for. But it becomes hard to ignore a reality where I’m just being wasteful with my time and youth when there’s so much potential to open up if only I tried. This is probably just human nature, to always want more and to do more. We will never settle for too little and be content with that. Some of us might be disadvantaged up to a point where they can’t help it, but I’m not. None of us are. We have exactly what every successful person has except the progress they have made, simply because they took that one step more than we did.
I’m not saying I’m not happy. In a way, I am happier than I have ever been. But in another, it just happens that sometimes my happiness is so short lived nowadays. I can take an insignificant event and make a nice big drama out of it and I’m beginning to think it’s to fill my otherwise empty void. One that can’t be fulfilled with a bit of romance and giggles during surface socialising. Again, I don’t want to come across complaining. I do not regret my life choices or my friends, rather, when I take a step back and look again, I can see too many things I can improve on. I want some more depth to my life. Every time I get upset and start overthinking everything, I question Agnes and everything she does. I get annoyed at the fact she doesn’t share enough with me about what she thinks and feels and why she does what she does. I guess I just want to dig deeper. I’m getting desperate to find something solid in the ground I’m standing on, and because I’m not finding it here I’m starting to look elsewhere at the other parts of my life. Maybe if I filled those up I’ll feel less like I’m lacking.