Hey guys, I’m back again.

I have another rant I’m preparing, but yeah I’m not feeling like finishing it just yet. Today I just feel very unhappy.

I figured as we got older, we stopped making emotional posts anymore, and even started withholding it from conversations with friends. I could be wrong, but I’ve noticed how much better people have become with coping with their feelings and “low” times, and it’s great. I’m glad. After a shit tonne of things I went through myself, I could say the same about me. We’re at a stage where even though we’re still young, we are starting to become so busy with our lives that wit hour realising it, we stopped thinking. All those little things that used to significantly bother us, the stuff we lack, the qualities, the meaning of friendship, of love and of life – we stopped thinking because we stopped having that much time in our hands. I mean, I know someone who used to whine about being single and is now a lot better. Our induglement in our present lives has allowed us to focus on what’s more important. And that’s a good thing.

However, overtime that’s left me with bottling up a little too much. To the point I’ve been having the same thoughts in my head run in circles, over, and over, every day, and never reaching a conclusion. Remember how I once blogged about how I would walk home talking to myself? Yeah that’s been happening a lot recently, in public. Whenever I have a problem I always try to solve it by myself, even when it doesn’t work out. I stay up with it, go to work with it, and sometimes when I’m trying to focus on the people around me at a gathering, I’m still caught inside the thoughts like a ring looped around me. The other month, I had something I desperately wanted to say to someone. And I thought about it for weeks, before one day I finally did. And just like that, it stopped crossing my mind. Which is why I’m here today, again, typing away frantically because it’s 5am and honestly, I really want to sleep. I just can’t because I’m thinking too much.

(Also had a bit to drink today).

It’s been 2 years. Almost. And one of the main things I’ve learnt is that only you can change your life. I used to drag people into things to get their opinions, advice, hoping they can give me some kind of reassurance. At the end of the day, even if I’m still where I was, they’re the ones who get sick.

I’m getting better though. One of these days, I’ll break, but I know it’ll get better again. I’ve been afraid for too long, but you know, I have a future that I don’t wish to be tarnished by the bad decisions I made while I was young. I want to be able to look back and think “that was well worth it”.

Oh thank god, the sleepiness is finally catching on

Advertisements

Late night rant

I haven’t ranted about anything in a long time, but I feel like tonight, if I don’t get this out, I’m gonna get absolutely no sleep.

In the last year or two, I’ve been bottling so much anger and frustration, and not just because of the trainwreck I got caught in. No, that’s just a small part of it. What absolutely gets on my nerves unlike any physical or emotional pain anyone may cause me, is a traumatc case of communication error, mostly due to a fucking huge amount of illogicality. (Is that even a noun?)

What am I referring to exactly? Well to put it down to one word: Hypocisy.

What does it mean?

Heres some definitions:

  1. of claiming to have higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case
  2. the behaviour of people who do things they tell others not to do

I have only delt with this non-sensical, brain-damaging element of behaviour and speech in previous cases where subject was (or is) deemed psychologically ill. Perhaps that’s what I’m headed to concluding soon once more.

I’m not a highly intelligent person, but I do enjoy an educated conversation with one of my many wise friends. I am also a highly emotional person, so I am open minded to uncontrolled emotional outbursts and illogical behaviour as a result. I am happy to open arms to either a smart, dorky person or a completely damaged person, but I cannot at all, tolerate hypocrisy.

I don’t know how many people have tried arguing, or making sense with a person who is incredibly hypocritical. You would understand that it’s a nightmare. Hypocisy  is the reason that arguments end up in never ending, nasty loops which are used to cover up the hypocrite’s otherwise selfish, immature and ignorant persona. They’re too proud to admit they’re wrong, so instead they begin to twist logic itself until it bends enough in their favour. But what they’ve actually done is created a deadend to a potential solution, and given my brain a giant fucking headache.

Example:

X: I’m a nice/kind person.

Y: *Does something to really piss X off

X: What a fucking lowlife. Seriously the fuck is wrong with him?

X: *Pisses Y off back and leaves situation

X: That asshole. I didn’t even punch his brains out. Why am I so nice??? Goddamn.

Mindfuck even thinking about it.

I have so much more I want to rant about, but that will be all for tonight.