Hey guys, I’m back again.
I have another rant I’m preparing, but yeah I’m not feeling like finishing it just yet. Today I just feel very unhappy.
I figured as we got older, we stopped making emotional posts anymore, and even started withholding it from conversations with friends. I could be wrong, but I’ve noticed how much better people have become with coping with their feelings and “low” times, and it’s great. I’m glad. After a shit tonne of things I went through myself, I could say the same about me. We’re at a stage where even though we’re still young, we are starting to become so busy with our lives that wit hour realising it, we stopped thinking. All those little things that used to significantly bother us, the stuff we lack, the qualities, the meaning of friendship, of love and of life – we stopped thinking because we stopped having that much time in our hands. I mean, I know someone who used to whine about being single and is now a lot better. Our induglement in our present lives has allowed us to focus on what’s more important. And that’s a good thing.
However, overtime that’s left me with bottling up a little too much. To the point I’ve been having the same thoughts in my head run in circles, over, and over, every day, and never reaching a conclusion. Remember how I once blogged about how I would walk home talking to myself? Yeah that’s been happening a lot recently, in public. Whenever I have a problem I always try to solve it by myself, even when it doesn’t work out. I stay up with it, go to work with it, and sometimes when I’m trying to focus on the people around me at a gathering, I’m still caught inside the thoughts like a ring looped around me. The other month, I had something I desperately wanted to say to someone. And I thought about it for weeks, before one day I finally did. And just like that, it stopped crossing my mind. Which is why I’m here today, again, typing away frantically because it’s 5am and honestly, I really want to sleep. I just can’t because I’m thinking too much.
(Also had a bit to drink today).
It’s been 2 years. Almost. And one of the main things I’ve learnt is that only you can change your life. I used to drag people into things to get their opinions, advice, hoping they can give me some kind of reassurance. At the end of the day, even if I’m still where I was, they’re the ones who get sick.
I’m getting better though. One of these days, I’ll break, but I know it’ll get better again. I’ve been afraid for too long, but you know, I have a future that I don’t wish to be tarnished by the bad decisions I made while I was young. I want to be able to look back and think “that was well worth it”.
Oh thank god, the sleepiness is finally catching on