I gotta admit, I still miss you.

I also gotta admit, I am so much happier now.

So I guess you lose some you get some right?



Misunderstood religion(s)

I read something today and felt extremely upset about it. I deeply feel that the grappling misunderstanding that exists against another person’s religion and belief is something that starts from within that community itself. The way followers promote and impose their beliefs to the public, to each other, is usually through their own understanding of the teachings, meaning it is only their OWN take from it. What happens is that this often warps and changes the actual meaning of what is being taught in that religion.

I personally don’t believe there is any bad god, only FAKE ones most likely created by evil people. It’s people that take the teachings of god in the wrong way that go on to soil the name. I’m not going to mention any, we probably all know some examples. Those within the community might be able to identify the mistake, but to the outsiders who aren’t a part of the religion or belief, they will not give an extra second before labelling the entire group as “evil” or a “cult”, especially when the misunderstanding start to cost lives. It’s really saddening, especially when religion is supposed to be beautiful and life-saving.

For me, religion – or what I’d call it is “spiritual beliefs”, don’t only give life meaning, but it is a form of inner healing and a way of life. As the generation moves on, the clear line between right and wrong has fucked up to no end. The only vaguely pure thing left to educate people how to live by is religion. To believe in something greater than this world, karma, destined relationships etc, it helps one live bigger, even when they’re not in a good place. There’s never an excuse to be a bad person, whether you’re a liar, cheater, murderer or thief whatever no matter what sort of tragic past you’ve had – but who teaches you these things? Who teaches you, that when you get hurt, it doesn’t mean it’s okay to hurt others? Certainly not schools, not even your parents.

The point is, it doesn’t matter if religion is not for everyone, but “to each their own”. It’s just horrible to see hostility as a result of misunderstanding, and even more to see death as a consequence due to followers of a GOOD religion acting foolishly. I will never impose my beliefs on others, not because I think it’s wrong, but because I need to take responsibility for what I do and say.

Hey guys, I’m back again.

I have another rant I’m preparing, but yeah I’m not feeling like finishing it just yet. Today I just feel very unhappy.

I figured as we got older, we stopped making emotional posts anymore, and even started withholding it from conversations with friends. I could be wrong, but I’ve noticed how much better people have become with coping with their feelings and “low” times, and it’s great. I’m glad. After a shit tonne of things I went through myself, I could say the same about me. We’re at a stage where even though we’re still young, we are starting to become so busy with our lives that wit hour realising it, we stopped thinking. All those little things that used to significantly bother us, the stuff we lack, the qualities, the meaning of friendship, of love and of life – we stopped thinking because we stopped having that much time in our hands. I mean, I know someone who used to whine about being single and is now a lot better. Our induglement in our present lives has allowed us to focus on what’s more important. And that’s a good thing.

However, overtime that’s left me with bottling up a little too much. To the point I’ve been having the same thoughts in my head run in circles, over, and over, every day, and never reaching a conclusion. Remember how I once blogged about how I would walk home talking to myself? Yeah that’s been happening a lot recently, in public. Whenever I have a problem I always try to solve it by myself, even when it doesn’t work out. I stay up with it, go to work with it, and sometimes when I’m trying to focus on the people around me at a gathering, I’m still caught inside the thoughts like a ring looped around me. The other month, I had something I desperately wanted to say to someone. And I thought about it for weeks, before one day I finally did. And just like that, it stopped crossing my mind. Which is why I’m here today, again, typing away frantically because it’s 5am and honestly, I really want to sleep. I just can’t because I’m thinking too much.

(Also had a bit to drink today).

It’s been 2 years. Almost. And one of the main things I’ve learnt is that only you can change your life. I used to drag people into things to get their opinions, advice, hoping they can give me some kind of reassurance. At the end of the day, even if I’m still where I was, they’re the ones who get sick.

I’m getting better though. One of these days, I’ll break, but I know it’ll get better again. I’ve been afraid for too long, but you know, I have a future that I don’t wish to be tarnished by the bad decisions I made while I was young. I want to be able to look back and think “that was well worth it”.

Oh thank god, the sleepiness is finally catching on

Late night rant

I haven’t ranted about anything in a long time, but I feel like tonight, if I don’t get this out, I’m gonna get absolutely no sleep.

In the last year or two, I’ve been bottling so much anger and frustration, and not just because of the trainwreck I got caught in. No, that’s just a small part of it. What absolutely gets on my nerves unlike any physical or emotional pain anyone may cause me, is a traumatc case of communication error, mostly due to a fucking huge amount of illogicality. (Is that even a noun?)

What am I referring to exactly? Well to put it down to one word: Hypocisy.

What does it mean?

Heres some definitions:

  1. of claiming to have higher standards or more noble beliefs than is the case
  2. the behaviour of people who do things they tell others not to do

I have only delt with this non-sensical, brain-damaging element of behaviour and speech in previous cases where subject was (or is) deemed psychologically ill. Perhaps that’s what I’m headed to concluding soon once more.

I’m not a highly intelligent person, but I do enjoy an educated conversation with one of my many wise friends. I am also a highly emotional person, so I am open minded to uncontrolled emotional outbursts and illogical behaviour as a result. I am happy to open arms to either a smart, dorky person or a completely damaged person, but I cannot at all, tolerate hypocrisy.

I don’t know how many people have tried arguing, or making sense with a person who is incredibly hypocritical. You would understand that it’s a nightmare. Hypocisy  is the reason that arguments end up in never ending, nasty loops which are used to cover up the hypocrite’s otherwise selfish, immature and ignorant persona. They’re too proud to admit they’re wrong, so instead they begin to twist logic itself until it bends enough in their favour. But what they’ve actually done is created a deadend to a potential solution, and given my brain a giant fucking headache.


X: I’m a nice/kind person.

Y: *Does something to really piss X off

X: What a fucking lowlife. Seriously the fuck is wrong with him?

X: *Pisses Y off back and leaves situation

X: That asshole. I didn’t even punch his brains out. Why am I so nice??? Goddamn.

Mindfuck even thinking about it.

I have so much more I want to rant about, but that will be all for tonight.

The cycle continues

You will always be toxic. 

There are days that go so well that sometimes I forget it. The reality merges into the highs and gets lost in the distance somewhere far off until I find it again.

I will not let myself forget it. Ever. 

Toxic people don’t change, even with all the days that go as smooth as fresh leather, they’re pretty much “the wolf in lamb skin”. 

And I’m just the naive person waiting to be pounced on any time. 

Some FYI to myself 

1. “You can’t force someone to change and to want what you want. You can’t convince someone to feel a certain way about you.”

8. “Instead of feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t get him to commit in the way I wanted, I felt sorry for him for having so many issues, issues that prevented him from committing to a great woman he had right in front of him.”

31. “Bad relationships are the ones filled with drama. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. When I say ‘bad relationship,’ I mean everything from a toxic, codependent situation to a relationship with a man who won’t commit in a significant way, to a match that is simply incompatible.”