I have read too many novels, manga, seen too many anime, dramas and movies that it’s become detrimental to my emotional health when I fail again and again to prepare for the reality of this world. A world where, you will eventually find, you are alone in. There is no one who will coincidentally run into you when you’re upset and waiting to be found, and then end up sitting on a cliff side overlooking the ocean with while you cry and talk your heart out. Or something. There is, of course, no one who will look at you and tell you they understand how you feel. Your mind could be chaos and no one will hear, or know, a single damn thing.

And that is the life I have got to learn to accept. At the end of the day, you, my dear Aquarius, are on your own.

I think it’s the worst part about being upset as an Aquarius child. You want someone to understand except you never let anyone get the chance to, you want to be cared about but you hide and shut yourself out, you want to say something but you always end up keeping everything to yourself. But most of all, our solitary hearts means that in those moments, we could simply get up and leave, forever. What’s there left to hold you back if you’re alone anyway? At least that’s the mindset.

Recently I’ve been thinking. Whenever I get uncomfortable, or feel disconnected in some place, I get easily disheartened and start to think to myself “I don’t like this.” “I don’t belong here.” “Maybe I should be somewhere else.” But I’ve come to realise this isn’t the right way of thinking. Everything needs time, work. If you can’t find your place there at first, mark it. Work on it and mark your name in fat ass letters on it. Make it unforgettable so that even if you do leave, at least it was worthwhile. It’s better than hopping about and never sort of being able to settle. Like me and my jobs for instance. And relationships. And everything basically. Even if I am “destined” to travel some lonely ass Aquarius road, giving up should never be an option.

Sorry for the emo post after being MIAS for so long. In other news, I have started my first week at Longines Boutique. Lovely shop, lovely watches, not so lovely uniform and incredibly boring kind of job to work in luxury products, but I’m learning to love it. My manager(s) and co-workers are so far a very wonderful bunch of people. Holidays in 2 weeks too. I can’t wait.



Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m living half a life. There are so many possibilities, opportunities and chances out there waiting yet I choose to ignore them and carry on doing nothing that comes close to being beneficial in the long run. I’ve always wanted to just lead a happy, peaceful life. I didn’t care if I don’t achieve greatness or if I don’t make a difference in this world like everyone else so eagerly wishes for. But it becomes hard to ignore a reality where I’m just being wasteful with my time and youth when there’s so much potential to open up if only I tried. This is probably just human nature, to always want more and to do more. We will never settle for too little and be content with that. Some of us might be disadvantaged up to a point where they can’t help it, but I’m not. None of us are. We have exactly what every successful person has except the progress they have made, simply because they took that one step more than we did.

I’m not saying I’m not happy. In a way, I am happier than I have ever been. But in another, it just happens that sometimes my happiness is so short lived nowadays. I can take an insignificant event and make a nice big drama out of it and I’m beginning to think it’s to fill my otherwise empty void. One that can’t be fulfilled with a bit of romance and giggles during surface socialising. Again, I don’t want to come across complaining. I do not regret my life choices or my friends, rather, when I take a step back and look again, I can see too many things I can improve on. I want some more depth to my life. Every time I get upset and start overthinking everything, I question Agnes and everything she does. I get annoyed at the fact she doesn’t share enough with me about what she thinks and feels and why she does what she does. I guess I just want to dig deeper. I’m getting desperate to find something solid in the ground I’m standing on, and because I’m not finding it here I’m starting to look elsewhere at the other parts of my life. Maybe if I filled those up I’ll feel less like I’m lacking.


If there’s anything that’s bothering me these days, besides maybe the infrequent fusses Agnes and I make over something we said or did, it would be this slight lack of belonging I’ve been feeling.

I’m barely at uni any more, meaning I lost my main social platform to connect with people on. I don’t even think half of the animation people even know I’m actually still doing the course. It used to be okay because I had Japan to motivate me, but now that I’m no longer 100% certain I will be continuing international studies, I’m having regrets leaving.

The place I’m at most now is probably work, but even then I’m not working as often as the others to improve any acquaintances. It’s obvious how close my manager and the two other girls are, and even when the stuff they talk about is work-related I can hardly catch on. I know it’s because they’re all full time and so work is most of their life, but it always makes me feel like an outsider. And the girl who came back from her holiday is apparently unofficial second-in-charge who is bossy as fuck. And took away my pretty co worker away from me. Mondays used to be her and me working and she’d spend the day bitching about our manager and telling me juicy information about his personal life that I’m not sure why she knows, but I still enjoy it.

Then finally, there’s one thing that’s on my mind most often. As much as I interact with international students, I can never really merge with them on any level. Half the time I’m only there because of Agnes. I mean, yeah they’re all nice people and I love the outgoing, potential-party-animal personality in everyone, but I just can’t seem to connect with their conversations and games. If I could I’d rather converse in English, I’d probably have more to say. Agnes always tells me how different I sound when I speak English and she’d be like “stop you sound like a bitch.” Lol. Only because I usually talk a lot slower and softer in Chinese because I’m less confident, and in English I can easily be like blahadkgsjdfsdfhdsjfshdfhsdhfjsd.

I guess this is what happens when things unexpectedly change in your life. It affects everything else, and next thing you know all that’s left is this displacement where it’s just you in this giant unfamiliar world. I’m still trying to adapt and find my place again. There’s so much I want to figure out, plan, do by the end of the year. If I want to move out, I need to make sure my income is stable and be able to find a good, cheap place to live. I need my parents to be 100% okay with that. I need to decide how I’m going to complete the rest of my degree and whether I’ll stay part-time to make sure I work enough hours (and whether or not that’s a good idea). I need to find design related pathways on top of all that so that if I do, I don’t fall too behind.

My life sounds so messy right? So yeah, there’s a little update about me. I look forward to catching up with everyone (whenever that may be).

Pet peeves

  • When people don’t take you seriously 
  • When you’re in the midst of explaining or recounting something and the other person suddenly makes an unrelated remark to break you off “and then I was like-” “omg look at that car” and then you don’t bother continuing
  • When you’re clearly busy with something but they still demand to know why you’re not doing what they just told you to do 
  • When people assume you’re lying and give you shit for it before they even know what’s really going on

A moment of graceful thinking

I have moments where I imagine myself differently, more confident; more intimidating; more bitchy, even. What if people never saw me as somebody that could be “fucked around with” (in the graceful words of a certain somebody) just because I won’t fight back. Thinking back now, what if instead of putting up with it, I had looked that girl in the eye and called her a bitch? What if I told that guy that he was actually an egotistical prick and should stay the hell away from me? What if I said shut the fuck up I don’t care to everyone who annoyed or bored me with their nonsense? Would I be happier, knowing that less people will mess with me and I would be what people call a “strong” person. Lol. It’s weird but thinking about how satisfying it would be to see the confused faces of these people make me smile. I would never do it, nor do I believe it is the right thing to do, but there’s just these times where I can’t help but wonder about these things.

(I just saw a giant Facebook DP of someone I used to really like, but after a lengthy time realising the crappy person they actually were, now stare at in great distaste. Which brings me on this train of thought.)

3 months

Your first relationship tells a lot about who you are, such as: what gives you butterflies and what would absolutely piss you off, how you behave in fights and the way you resolve issues, and maybe a better idea of the kind of person you need in your life (unless you stay in your first relationship then well… good for you). After all the mistakes made and lessons learnt and feeling like you could give expert love advice after your break up, you’d think you’re totally prepared in your next one. HAHA WHAT A JOKEI don’t even know what the fuck is going on. It doesn’t even feel like it’s been 3 months.

Fuck this shit

Communication is so hard when no communication is happening. Is it my fault that I don’t understand you? I couldn’t tell a fake smile from a real one, hell I would not even remember what your favourite colour or TV show is let alone have any clue on what you’re feeling, thinking, worried about if you don’t fucking say it. I’m so sick of the question marks, the words left unsaid, the formalities. I am sick and tired of logic. You know there’s something wrong if the simple “because I love you” doesn’t feel like it could be a valid reason.