I hate how dreams use past people/events of your lifetime, screw them around a bit so they all fit into the present timeframe and make you sort of miss them when you wake up. It’s like as if the missing becomes a surreal part of your reality now instead of being sure this is how I feel.

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Empathy

I used to believe empathetic people dominated the earth. That the planet will never be short of its production of these humans who possess as much emotion as thought, who thinks for people and knows how to be kind, whether or not they mean so. But after going through a lot of reality checks with myself, I realised I’ve been nothing but naive. Empathetic people are scarce, and the capability to feel empathy is such a rare and precious trait for anyone to have. 

Decision and regret

Have you ever decided to buy a very expensive item that might have been sitting on your Wishlist for quite some time, and you are happy as f*. Then on your way home you happen to lose your wallet which carried another $50 in cash, and cards which probably cost a total of $75 to replace all of them. But that’s okay because you still have what you bought to keep your mood up. But then by time you get home, you realise you have the wrong size or colour or whatever, and have to take it back to the shop for an exchange the next day, costing you another hour or so of your time. Which, doesn’t even include the time you took to go and buy it. So basically in the end, this item didn’t just cost it’s priced amount, but also a wallet and $125, and several hours. Does all that process? 

So, now. Do you:

1. Regret buying the item in the first place if you knew it was going to cost you all this trouble 

2. Suck it up because it’s already happened and it’s not like regretting will get you back the time and money anyway 

3. Treasure the item even more because of how much it actually costed you, in other words, make it worth 

There’s a metaphor to think about. Because sometimes, what you want might cost a lot more than you expected to give, and when that happens, the last thing I want to do is regret it. I make a lot of bad choices that I wish I’d never done, but there are some decisions that, no matter how much trouble I get into for, I will stand by it. That’s how you know something is worth the fight. Maybe one day you will replace that item with a new one, or even lose it, but that’s life. My moral is simply: don’t regret what once made you happy. 

Aquarius

I have read too many novels, manga, seen too many anime, dramas and movies that it’s become detrimental to my emotional health when I fail again and again to prepare for the reality of this world. A world where, you will eventually find, you are alone in. There is no one who will coincidentally run into you when you’re upset and waiting to be found, and then end up sitting on a cliff side overlooking the ocean with while you cry and talk your heart out. Or something. There is, of course, no one who will look at you and tell you they understand how you feel. Your mind could be chaos and no one will hear, or know, a single damn thing.

And that is the life I have got to learn to accept. At the end of the day, you, my dear Aquarius, are on your own.

I think it’s the worst part about being upset as an Aquarius child. You want someone to understand except you never let anyone get the chance to, you want to be cared about but you hide and shut yourself out, you want to say something but you always end up keeping everything to yourself. But most of all, our solitary hearts means that in those moments, we could simply get up and leave, forever. What’s there left to hold you back if you’re alone anyway? At least that’s the mindset.

Recently I’ve been thinking. Whenever I get uncomfortable, or feel disconnected in some place, I get easily disheartened and start to think to myself “I don’t like this.” “I don’t belong here.” “Maybe I should be somewhere else.” But I’ve come to realise this isn’t the right way of thinking. Everything needs time, work. If you can’t find your place there at first, mark it. Work on it and mark your name in fat ass letters on it. Make it unforgettable so that even if you do leave, at least it was worthwhile. It’s better than hopping about and never sort of being able to settle. Like me and my jobs for instance. And relationships. And everything basically. Even if I am “destined” to travel some lonely ass Aquarius road, giving up should never be an option.

Sorry for the emo post after being MIAS for so long. In other news, I have started my first week at Longines Boutique. Lovely shop, lovely watches, not so lovely uniform and incredibly boring kind of job to work in luxury products, but I’m learning to love it. My manager(s) and co-workers are so far a very wonderful bunch of people. Holidays in 2 weeks too. I can’t wait.

Lately

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m living half a life. There are so many possibilities, opportunities and chances out there waiting yet I choose to ignore them and carry on doing nothing that comes close to being beneficial in the long run. I’ve always wanted to just lead a happy, peaceful life. I didn’t care if I don’t achieve greatness or if I don’t make a difference in this world like everyone else so eagerly wishes for. But it becomes hard to ignore a reality where I’m just being wasteful with my time and youth when there’s so much potential to open up if only I tried. This is probably just human nature, to always want more and to do more. We will never settle for too little and be content with that. Some of us might be disadvantaged up to a point where they can’t help it, but I’m not. None of us are. We have exactly what every successful person has except the progress they have made, simply because they took that one step more than we did.

I’m not saying I’m not happy. In a way, I am happier than I have ever been. But in another, it just happens that sometimes my happiness is so short lived nowadays. I can take an insignificant event and make a nice big drama out of it and I’m beginning to think it’s to fill my otherwise empty void. One that can’t be fulfilled with a bit of romance and giggles during surface socialising. Again, I don’t want to come across complaining. I do not regret my life choices or my friends, rather, when I take a step back and look again, I can see too many things I can improve on. I want some more depth to my life. Every time I get upset and start overthinking everything, I question Agnes and everything she does. I get annoyed at the fact she doesn’t share enough with me about what she thinks and feels and why she does what she does. I guess I just want to dig deeper. I’m getting desperate to find something solid in the ground I’m standing on, and because I’m not finding it here I’m starting to look elsewhere at the other parts of my life. Maybe if I filled those up I’ll feel less like I’m lacking.

Displacement

If there’s anything that’s bothering me these days, besides maybe the infrequent fusses Agnes and I make over something we said or did, it would be this slight lack of belonging I’ve been feeling.

I’m barely at uni any more, meaning I lost my main social platform to connect with people on. I don’t even think half of the animation people even know I’m actually still doing the course. It used to be okay because I had Japan to motivate me, but now that I’m no longer 100% certain I will be continuing international studies, I’m having regrets leaving.

The place I’m at most now is probably work, but even then I’m not working as often as the others to improve any acquaintances. It’s obvious how close my manager and the two other girls are, and even when the stuff they talk about is work-related I can hardly catch on. I know it’s because they’re all full time and so work is most of their life, but it always makes me feel like an outsider. And the girl who came back from her holiday is apparently unofficial second-in-charge who is bossy as fuck. And took away my pretty co worker away from me. Mondays used to be her and me working and she’d spend the day bitching about our manager and telling me juicy information about his personal life that I’m not sure why she knows, but I still enjoy it.

Then finally, there’s one thing that’s on my mind most often. As much as I interact with international students, I can never really merge with them on any level. Half the time I’m only there because of Agnes. I mean, yeah they’re all nice people and I love the outgoing, potential-party-animal personality in everyone, but I just can’t seem to connect with their conversations and games. If I could I’d rather converse in English, I’d probably have more to say. Agnes always tells me how different I sound when I speak English and she’d be like “stop you sound like a bitch.” Lol. Only because I usually talk a lot slower and softer in Chinese because I’m less confident, and in English I can easily be like blahadkgsjdfsdfhdsjfshdfhsdhfjsd.

I guess this is what happens when things unexpectedly change in your life. It affects everything else, and next thing you know all that’s left is this displacement where it’s just you in this giant unfamiliar world. I’m still trying to adapt and find my place again. There’s so much I want to figure out, plan, do by the end of the year. If I want to move out, I need to make sure my income is stable and be able to find a good, cheap place to live. I need my parents to be 100% okay with that. I need to decide how I’m going to complete the rest of my degree and whether I’ll stay part-time to make sure I work enough hours (and whether or not that’s a good idea). I need to find design related pathways on top of all that so that if I do, I don’t fall too behind.

My life sounds so messy right? So yeah, there’s a little update about me. I look forward to catching up with everyone (whenever that may be).

Pet peeves

  • When people don’t take you seriously 
  • When you’re in the midst of explaining or recounting something and the other person suddenly makes an unrelated remark to break you off “and then I was like-” “omg look at that car” and then you don’t bother continuing
  • When you’re clearly busy with something but they still demand to know why you’re not doing what they just told you to do 
  • When people assume you’re lying and give you shit for it before they even know what’s really going on